POAS Time

It's CD 8. Time to start OPK testing ! I find this part fun. I am being a total geek about it. The plan is to start today and use the IC's. On CD 10, (Friday), I am going to use the digital ones and the IC's so I can compare the two. There is no reason to do this. I am just curious about OPK tests. Do they really work ? What's the window to predict O ? Are different brands going to give me better results ? Will I ever lean to read the ones with pink lines ?

I don't know. The only thing I do know is that OPK's confuse pretty much everyone.

From my last cycle I learned that my OPK turned positive the DAY I ovulated rather then a day or two before. This means I really haven't narrowed the playing field by that much. I still have to do some guessing to get the BD timing right.

If I had to guess I would go with CD 15 or 16. If it's CD 16 I am screwed. We can't BD that night. Rob has work, then 3 hours of class and I accidentally told a friend he can crash at our place that night. So there is just no time !

Diet

CD 6 so not too much going on in TTC news. AF is gone. I will start with OPK's on CD 8.

Otherwise it is work on health time. I guess you can say I am now officially on a diet. Tho it's really more of a lifestyle change that I am slowly easing into. I am not obese by any means, but I have recently put on 20 pounds. ( OK, maybe 25 ). All within the last year. I went from the size 4 I had been since college to a size 8 pushing a 10. It sucks. It's mostly from quitting smoking but also just because I am getting older and my metabolism has changed. Not to mention my horrible buffalo wing habit.

I am 135 - 140 pounds. To some that may not seem like a huge deal. However, I am only 5 feet tall. That's 5 feet ZERO inches !! That 20 extra pounds didn't have anywhere to go and I look fat.

So I am trying to eat better. Last week I started bringing my own salads to work for lunch. There is usually a hard boiled egg or some turkey or chicken involved. I bring cucumbers and celery to snack on. This week I replaced my morning bagel with a yogurt/granola/fruit cup. So basically no bread till dinner. ( Cutting out bread alltogether is my worst nightmare )

I''ll work on dinner changes after I get used to the day time changes. Like I said, I have to ease into this. I did actually cut out the wine I usually have with dinner. ( tho mostly because I felt it was screwing up my temps ).

I am really worried that my weight gain, that it happened so fast, and my age are combining to not let me get pregnant. I can't do much about my age but I can try to do something about my weight.

Exercise ? That's a topic for another blog.

Seroquel

I've had problems in the past with depression and insomnia. I haven't been seriously depressed in 5 years but I can't seem to kick the insomnia. I've tried everything. I've tried every pill out there and many alternative methods as well. I don't know why I don't sleep well and never really have and no one else can figure it out either.

About 4 years ago I was introduced to Seroquel. It is an anti-psychotic medication. When taken at a small dose it is used for sleep. It's not addictive and has worked for me for the past 4 years. I take 25 mgs. Those with mood disorders take from 600-1200 mgs.

At first I was on ambien, then Xanax, then klonopin. Those are addictive tho and no one will prescribe them for longer then a few weeks. The Seroquel has been working great for me so I just take it, sleep, and don't think much about it. Till I started TTC. It is a relatively new med and they have no idea whether it safe for pg or not.

I always knew I would have to go off of the med when pg. Last month during the 2ww I did go off it. I had a hard time adjusting, but I made it through with the help of Tylenol PM and/or benedryl plus a few sleepless nights.

I started using it again when AF showed. I'll go off it again for the 2ww. However, until O is confirmed I am going to keep taking it. There are antihistamines in the pm Tylenol and benedryl that can affect CM. I know the right CM at the right time is important. Also the insomnia really screws with my temps.

AF left today. I am pretty happy about that. Otherwise, it's a pretty boring day. Nothing planned. Just get some things done and relax.

My 60 year old uncle

and his 38 year old wife had a baby yesterday. A little girl. Zoe. Everyone is happy and healthy.

This was a controversial pregnancy in my family. Mostly because it's my uncles 3rd family. His other children are all grown up and moved away. He is the grandfather of a 2 year old. He will be 70 when his new daughter is 10 !

Controversy aside, I am really happy for them. It took them 4 years to conceive ! I don't know the details as we aren't super close. All I was told was "They had help". So after 4 years and defying age they did it ! It is his wife's FIRST marriage and pregnancy.
4 years it took them and they did not give up and now they have the ultimate reward !

I got bombarded with baby news yesterday and had a big downer of a night.

I got the news about my uncle and then I went on Facebook and saw another friend of mine ( not just a FB friend one I actually know ) has announced her pregnancy. I didn't know they were even trying so this came as a shock. I am pretty much the last person I am friends with to get pg :(

Another friend of mine just posted hospital pics of her 2nd child birth

AND to top it all off, we have dinner plans tonight with one of Robs friends whose wife is 10 freakin years younger then me and 6 months pg. They were trying and it happened the first month. She wasn't ready and is in the 'bitching about being pg' phase and I get to deal with that tonight. YAY ME !

btw - I am not going on Facebook again until I get my own BFP !
I'm only on CD3 so hopefully I can get back on FB sometime in late April

Ooowww

She's here and she hurts like hell. I knew this would be a bad one. She'll hurt me tomorrow too.

So I am back on CD1. Boooo
I was really sad about it yesterday and now I'm in pain and just not excited to do this all over again. I was way more excited on CD1 last month.

I'll get there. Just not tonight. This week is going so slow.

Changes I plan on making this cycle:

1) Pre-Seed.
2) Get serious about not drinking ( i think it may have messed with my temps, but I do love wine with dinner )
3) Sleep normally. ( one can hope )
4) Get in more BD'ing BEFORE Ovulation day. ( our timing was a bit late in March)

Depressing Blog Post Ahead

I was right. It was/is a bad day. I've started with some cramps and I'm tired. AF can really be a cruel bitch sometimes. She isn't here yet, but is announcing plans for her upcoming visit right now. I have a feeling this is going to be a tough painful visit. She was way too nice to me last time. I'm still in a down mood.

On the bright side I have learned alot this month. I know that I ovulated. There was a definite temp shift and positive OPK's. I know my cycle is normal. Looks like it will be 29 days this month. I had decent CM at the right times of the cycle. These are good things.

Today I bought some things to add to my TTC stash for my upcoming cycle. I decided to try preseed. I am not sure if it will help being that I seemed to have the right CM at the right times, but it can't hurt. Since I was shopping on a TTC website anyway I also bought some more OPK's and some cheap HPT's. I went and got another bbt. Now I have 3. I am throwing the one I used this month away. The one I wanted to use, I realized doesn't go to the 100th. So now I will soon have a brand new one.

I'm worried about TTC in April. Rob starts classes for the Series 7. Twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 3 hours after work. he will be in no mood to DTD after that. I'm hoping we can work around it. Maybe my body will cut me a break and ovulate on a night he does not have class.

This really is doing a number on both of our emotions. I warned Rob yesterday that I was most likely getting AF this week. I felt it and my chart sucked and temps went down. He is still hoping though and I didn't want to ruin his day before it started. I'll have to tell him when he gets home. I know he feels it as much as I do. He doesn't have the TMP message board to cry on either. Just me.

I will try to make this blog less depressing. It's tough when you get a BFN though.

BFN

This really sucks. 14dpo and a BFN :(
I knew it I guess. I'm still dissapointed. I also had another shitty nights sleep. It is not going to be a very good day.

I'll have to find a way to get excited about the next cycle. Right now I am just exhausted and if I don't get moving will be late for work.

I Finally Slept !

Last night I finally slept 7 full, straight hours ! This insomnia has been extremely annoying so this was very exciting for me. Actually waking up to the alarm clock instead of before it is HUGE progress. I probably got the only accurate temp reading on my chart in the past 2 weeks.

It wasn't great though. It wasn't even good. 98.0. That is only 1/10th of a degree above the coverline. Tomorrow will be 14 dpo and if I don't wake up with AF I will test. I don't really expect it until Wednesday I just want to test. I am trying really hard to stay positive but I am just not feeling like this is the month anymore. I hope I'm wrong.

Lets just hope this wasn't a fluke and I am going to start sleeping normally from now on. I also have a new bbt because I hate the one I have. If the test is negative tomorrow then I will go online and order a bunch of things to pee on for the next cycle.

Feeling Better

I just had a mani/pedi and a chair massage. I went for a long walk and did some shopping. I am feeling much better now and I've decided not to count myself out yet this early on.

I've hated my thermometer since day 1 so I am not going to start believing it now. It's very possible that my temp will shoot up tomoro and stay that way. I have no cramps and AF is not here. I could still be in this.

Rob is leaving for band practice soon. I have the night to myself and am going to attempt to make an almond crusted chicken cordon blue. If I can do it I will make it for his birthday dinner tomoro night. I also have to wrap his presents tonight while he's out. I love wrapping presents.

bummed out

I am feeling very down today. It started last night. My breasts went from kinda sore to very sore. I woke up this morning to another temp dive down to the coverline at 11 dpo. I really feel like I am out this month. I am so bummed. I really wanted this to be it. We have been trying for 4 full months now. Really trying.

I will have to pull myself out of this funk and get excited for the next cycle, but it isn't easy. I really have no hope. I'm trying but I just don't feel it. Rob's birthday is tomoro. I have to get in a better mood.

I'm going for a mani/pedi today and then I'll try to cook something cool for dinner tonight. I was really excited for this cycle. I figured 4 months was a good amount of trying time. I know my age and weight may be affecting this. I can't do much about my age, but I can work on the weight thing. At least I can feel like I'm doing something.

The Great Internal Debate

So it's 10 DPO today. My mind is going through the "Am I pregnant or not" debate.
I thought I would try to sort it out and come to a decision right now:

1) Sore Boobs. Well this has historically been a very sure sign that AF will be here in a week or less. BUT they are LESS sore then last month, and last month they were sore much earlier then 5 days to go. Verdict: PG !

2) Stomach Issues. Since Tuesday I have had stomach issues. A bit gassy and just an unsettled stomach feeling. Not nauseous but not normal for me. Of course I have also had insomnia and this could be the result of that, but it really could be a good sign. Verdict: PG !

3) My chart sucks. Seriously sucks. I have had temps way above, way below, and 2 ON the coverline. This is very bad for the luteal phase. Verdict: Not PG

4) Sore Boobs. Yes I know this was covered, but since they are definitely sore... Verdict: Not PG

OK, that is 2 for PG and 2 for Not PG. So i guess this didn't work.

I promised myself I wouldn't come up with Imaginary PG symptoms this time but I just can't help it. Truth is it is too early for any pg symptoms and at this point it can go either way.

I know 10 dpo is technically testing time. I just really don't want to see another negative test. I have some hope this month and I like the hope. I'll keep it for another few days if I can. It is getting very hard not to pee on that stick now. I haven't decided when or even if I will test this month.

I really hope this is it !

Vacation

We decided we are going to Vermont today. We will most likely be home on Thursday.

I won't be blogging on vacation. I will temp and write it down and fill it in when I get home.
I think the is a fairly fun way to pass some of the 2ww

CD 20

Or 6 DPO. I'm 6 days past ovulation this morning. My temps went back up but only to the cover line. I'm not really that excited for this month as my chart sux. I am not counting out yet tho. I'll just have to wait and see.

I had a really good weekend. Dinner with our friends was alot of fun. Yesterday Rob and I just bummed around. We have this week off and we are debating whether to stay in the city or drive up to Vermont to see if we can get some last of the season skiing in. I think it's raining there now so it could very well suck. Then again, we might get really bored if we stay home for so long.

I do want to see some movies and take a trip to the outlets. I really could go either way on this one.

Rob turns 35 on Sunday. My Dad called him last night to say Happy Birthday and Dads wife sent him a fruit basket yesterday. LOL They are getting old. I even wrote Dad a note last week with Robs birthday date on it. Better early then late I guess.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. Rob is still sleeping. He really only needs 1 day to go from waking up at 7:00 am to 11:00 am. Lucky boy

CD 18

It's windy, with freezing rain, the same as yesterday. It's depressing out and I'm down and out today as well. My temp took a serious nosedive this morning. I'm clinging to that tiny bit of hope that it was just a fluke. That I woke alot in the night, was congested, slept with my mouth open, temped a bit too late......Yes, these factors will affect it, but not by as much as I varied from what should have been.

I am wondering if this temping and charting thing may not be for me. I seem to have strong emotions every day relating to a fertility sign ( or lack thereof ). One day excited and convinced this is the month. The next day depressed and convinced it's not.

Really, I won't and can't know shit till the cycle ends so why do I obsess all day long ?

Rob met up with some of our friends for a Happy Hour after work last night. I didn't go. I stayed in and obsessed. I went on FF and looked at a zillion charts. I found a bunch with the same BD schedule in regards to O that ended up in pregnancies. I made myself feel better and went to bed happy.

The damn rain on my AC unit kept waking me up all night and then this morning that temp nosedive happened. So my mood is right back down. We have plans to meet up with some college friends and go out to our favorite steakhouse tonight. I always get the lobster there. I love it, I like my friends. I WILL have fun once I get there but the motivation will be rough.

I really, really, really hope that temp jumps back up tomoro

CD 17

Ugghhh !
Fertility Friend told me this morning that I ovulated on CD 14. I really thought is was on CD 15. If they are right then us skipping the BD on Monday was a very, very, very bad thing ! They scored our BD timing as "Good". I wanted "High".

I am not thinking I am out of the running this month tho. We did BD on CD 12, 14, and 15 so chances are still pretty good. ( CD 16 too, but I think that doesn't count) AND those were O pains on CD15. I think we did better then "Good".

Rob is mad at FF this morning. He said Screw them for not giving us a "You did Great" hahaha. He's hysterical. He has become as involved ( maybe more so) as me in this quest for baby. I caught him researching OPK's online 2 nights ago and last night I noticed he had his laptop on his knees cuz he read having it too near his spermies could be bad. He likes waking up with me and I have to tell him my temp every morning. He scrutinizes my chart. He asks guys at work who have kids for advice.

If he is this involved with TTC I think he will make the best father ever !

Officially in the two week wat as of today.
I'll go with FF and say I am 3 DPO

CD 16

And just like that...it's over. Ovulation. At least I think so. My temp spiked yesterday and went up again today. My new Fertility Friend should confirm that I ovulated soon. I feel a bit let down today. Such a small window I have. I guess I was on a little Ovulation high and it's gone now. So I was possibly fertile for 2 days there. The whole excitement of 'waiting to ovulate' and 'baby making week' is gone. Just like that. So Quickly.

However, reading one book and googling my brains out by no means makes me an expert. So to be safe we'll continue to BD tonight. Tho I am really not so much feeling it. Hopefully, that will change.

No need for actual depression though. I think we did a really good job this month and we actually had alot of fun this week ;) We both think that we made a baby on Tuesday. Yep, we had that conversation last night. I hope we are right.

So after tonight I go into the 2 week wait. Kinda boring and it's the part of this process where there isn't anything I can do but obsess over whether or not it worked. That and feel like every single noise and change that I feel in my body is a pregnancy symptom. I know I'll get tired and hungry. I get tired and hungry pretty much every day, but in the 2ww these are now imaginary pregnancy symptoms. IPS. ALOT of girls go thru it so they had to give it an acronym.

We had dinner with my younger sister and her bf last night. Now I know paranoia is getting the better of me. I actually thought for awhile that maybe she is pregnant. I based this on the fact that she didn't have a glass of wine and told us she was on antibiotics. That's what all pg girls who aren't telling do at first. Then I got to thinking....Wow her and bf's relationship is moving really fast ! He's going on a semi-family ski vacation and he's already agreed to come to Easter dinner. THEN I remembered that he was unemployed cuz he was going to start his own business. Last night he told us that he took a job instead. I figured all this must mean they have an "accidental" pregnancy going on. Oh yeah and she turned 30 this past summer

Rational brain is telling me that my sister is a do it by the book, play by the rules very catholic person. I know she is on bcp. She is the perfect one who does everything right and in the right order. So baby before marriage does not fit. I've got babies on the brain. I've become paranoid and scared that everyone but me is pg.

It wouldn't be the end of the world if she is. Tho my rational brain knows better, I can't help but wonder. Hey, back to being positive. It would be great if we were PG together !!!!

Tho I do hope I have a bit more time. Like planning her wedding time !

CD 15

I just wanted to make a note that I am pretty sure I am currently having some O pains. It is on my right side only. I really hope last nights deposit did the trick.

Then again, it may be gas.

CD 14

I am very excited right now ! I got my first truly positive digital OPK !!! An ADORABLE smiley face popped up today :) I also have other signs that I am fertile. Things seem to be working right in my body so far so I am VERY hopeful for this month.

I had to ask this question on the board, but a positive OPK means I can ovulate pretty much any time now ( normally 12-48 hours after the first positive test). I cannot believe I am this excited for a possible ovulation. Hopefully my chart will confirm it, but I really just do not trust that thermometer.

I took 2 more when I got home after peeing an hour ago and drinking some coffee and water. The FR one was an almost positive and the CVS brand was a blaring positive. These don't count tho. I didn't hold my pee and limit my fluid intake. But still....very encouraging.

If I am this excited for a positive OPK test I can't wait to feel what it's like to get a positive pregnancy test !

Also, this means I will Ovulate on either CD 14 or 15. That is pretty darn close to normal. Yes, I am striving for NORMAL for the first time in my life.

AND Rob is cooking baked claims and pasta tonight AND LOST is on tonight.
It is a good day

CD 13

I am now at the point in my cycle where it becomes very exciting to pee on sticks. OPK sticks. I'm really thinking Ovulation is this week. If it is tomoro it will actually be on CD 14. Which would make me normal, so it won't be tomoro. Fertility Friend is predicting Thursday. Makes sense based on my last cycle, which was unusually long. I'll just have to wait and see. Today's was negative but any day now...

I am really worried about missing the window. Excited turns to anxious at times as I start thinking maybe that darkish line on CD11 was really it. I also don't trust my thermometer. Since it's a generic CVS brand I just am skeptical. However I think I am just stressing myself out over this. CD 13 is early for a positive OPK test if my cycle is normally around 30 days. I just have to breathe and remember that tho I am seriously hoping it works and I get PG this time around, it IS the 1st month temping/charting/and using OPK's correctly. There is a learning curve. I may not get it right the 1st time.

Today at work a friend who knows we are ttc told me an interesting story. She was the 1st in her husbands family to have a baby. Every time she brought the baby to someone in his family's house that wanted a baby. (And there were 3 of them ! ) The girl would ask my friend to change her daughters diaper on their bed. Apparently the Greeks believe it is good luck to do the deed on a bed where a baby has been changed on.

This is one of the odder stories I have heard, but I'm sure there are a trillion more. Anyway, my friends changed their baby on the bed in our guest room this weekend. Maybe we should.....lol Absurd, yes, but I still think it can't hurt ;)

Still hopeful and positive. Plan on just relaxing today. I am thinking of going up to Mount Snow to skii next week for a few days. Could be a good way to pass some of the 2 week wait.

CD 12

My temps took a bit of a dive this morning. I don't know if that's good or bad. I think it could mean that I am about to O any day now. I took an OPK yesterday and it's much darker then it's been so far, but not quite there yet. Though I think that a Baby Dance is in order tonight ;)

Friday nights dinner party went great ! I had a really good time despite the fact that all that was talked about was baby's and being PG. I actually became more excited about the whole thing then the feared jealous reaction I thought I would have.

I'm wondering if it had anything to do with drinking too much wine....Wine does make me happy. The only good thing about not being PG yet. The ONLY good thing.

My girlfriends that showed up have VERY different views on what PG people can and cannot due. The PG one would not have even a sip of champagnes the 2nd girlfriend brought. She hasn't had 1 sip of anything sinc she found out. GF #2 said her doctor told her it was fine to have a drink here and there. Such a taboo subject. She never got drunk or even drank regularly but has no problems admitting that she had a few drinks during her pregnancy. She ate cold-cuts and even had sushi once. She thinks that these rules for PG women are ridiculous. ( She did quit smoking tho )

I'm not too sure how I feel. I think I would err on the side of caution and follow all the rules. It's the no coffee rule that really gets me the most. I'm not sure I CAN follow it. But I will start trying to cut back this month.

I'm babbling now. Point is I am having a great weekend and I am exciting for TTC this month.

CD 9

Today at work I was bored. Again. Nothing new there. So I brilliantly decided to google TTC after 30. I didn't get much. I did get alot when I changed it to TTC after 35. 35 is apparently the cut off age for being fertile and having to get medical help to conceive. Wow am I cutting this effin close !!!

I then got sucked into some INfertility boards and Blogs. I am willing to go there if need be but am soooo hoping it doesn't come to that. I know too much about it tho for someone in their 3rd month of trying. It is inspiring to see how these couples never gave up and many in the end did finally get a baby or 2. Such an invasive and demoralizing process tho.

I HAD to wait this long tho. Rob and I both did. We were just not ready until now. Now we are ready and more than a bit impatient. I'm going to try to stop googling this stuff. I don't want to stress myself into infertility.

The Technical Stuff:

As the title says today is CD9. Nothing really exciting going on. I just took 2 OPK's. 1 cheapie and one FR (First Response ). Nothing. Only one line so no surge to let me know the big O is on it's way. I'm trying to remember back 2 last month when the lines started showing and I think they did right away and got darker and darker. But that was testing with my 1st pee of the day ( FMU ) - which I recently found out is not the best time to do it. So much to figure out...

Tomoro is CD10. I am going to start testing with FR at 2:30 at work. Tho it will be hard not to drink alot before it as since I quit smoking I drink something all day long. Temps seem normal. So so far so good. Tho I am REALLY looking fw to the OPK's coming up positive.
WOW has my life changed - lol

The Emotional Stuff:

We are having a small dinner party tomoro night. Rob is cooking a pork roast. It's just some close friends. But here's the kicker.

Couple number 1. Decided to start TTC and within 3 seconds of going off birth control she was pregnant. Nola is almost 2. Nola's mother is about 3 years younger then me. I love her to death and Nola is ADORABLE and I am really glad they are bringing her. But I am jealous of how easy it was for them to have her. Still right now I genuinely love all 3 of them and am looking fw to seeing them.

Couple number 2. This girl has been my BF since highschool. And I have known her husband since college. I love them both but the relationship has had rocky times and we have drifted apart since they left the city. Of course, she is pregnant. She is my age. A bit older by a few months. That actually gives me hope. The thing is that Rob and I decided to try for a baby exactly 1 DAY before she told me she was already 12 weeks along ! I was so happy for her but I also was secretly hoping that I would get pg THAT month so we could BOTH be pg. Well, that did not happen. Nor the next, nor by the time of this dinner.

So I really like, if not love, all the people coming over for dinner tomoro night. I am just jealous. Couple #1 knows we are trying. Couple #2 does not. It will most likely come up. Who knows. I am going to do my best to enjoy the night and not let jealousy take the lead in the race for my top emotion of the evening.

This blog post was much longer then I planned.

Other Blogs

Today I clicked on someone on the boards blog they had as their signature. Read their story so far, clicked on one of their followers, again, and so on.....

I spent 2 hours at work reading TCC blogs and even got stuck on a few.

1 was a very religious couples infertility blog. Another started out as an infertility blog and now she is preg with quads ! A few were disheartning, a few inspiring, some just plain weird. But all were way more interesting then mine ! ( with much better grammer )

I haven't put this blog in my sig or clicked to follow any others yet. I'm debating this. Like I said this one is boring so far. I'm hoping my story stays boring and I just get pg after trying naturally a few times.

But it would be fun to take some time to read other bloggers and connect. I can't decide right now.

I took a digi OPK and a regular cheapo one today. Both were negative. I only took the digi so I would know how 2 use it and I can start taking them at work next week. Seems easy enuff. I should buy more cheapies for the early days and not waste the money on the digitals. Right now I am pretty stocked up so it's not a problem.

Hopefully this is my last month using them. CD8 - so boring.

I'm hoping there is some Battlestar Galactica netflix DVD's in the mailbox today.

UPDATE: I have decided to open the blog up, but only to ther TCC'ers

CD 8

I haven't had much interesting happen over the weekend. I started trying to get off the seroquel and it is going to be much, much harder then I thought. I stopped taking them Friday and have been feeling off since. I gave in and took one last night and am considering waiting for my vacation week to do this.
I think I should. I was a mess at work yesterday and ended up leaving early.

On the charting, I have been good about doing it every morning. I have read that whole textbook. I think I know what I am doing now.

I am starting OPK's today. Here's hoping for Ovulation !

I am really worried about my age. 34 is old and I never really kept track of all these girlie things before and have no idea if anything is wrong with me. I hope not and I know it's still early but this chart will most likely give me an idea of whether I should worry or not.

I know I've just really started TTC, but I feel like we have been trying forever !

Diet and Excercise.
Well, last week that went well, but with the sleeping issues this week it went totally out the window ! I'm not giving up on it tho. I'm going for eliptical tonight. It's so hard to get to the gym when the weather sux so much and I'm exhausted. But not giving up yet.