Saturday, May 8, 2010

Why do I torture myself

I took one of those cheap internet hpt's this morning. I know that they are not supposed to be used as a way to monitor HCG levels but I thought I would try anyway. Of course it was a blaring positive. The strongest lines I have ever seen on that test. I had a feeling it would be as my HCG number was over 800 yesterday. I was just really hoping for a faint line or none at all.
How messed up is that. Last week I was praying for that kind of positive test and now I am wishing for the exact opposite.

TMI alert:

I had some bad cramping and bleeding all day yesterday. This morning I don't have cramps but I am passing some clots. I am not however soaking through pads. Today I had a clot almost the size of a grape. I still have a small amount of hope that I will miscarry naturally. But after seeing this mornings test and doing a bit more research on ectopic pregnancy's I am losing hope fast.

The waiting game continues.

I am supposed to go to a Mets game with Rob, my sister, and her bf tomorrow. I'm not sure if I am going to go. I am afraid to stray too far from my own bathroom. I keep switching between no cramps and bad cramps. I bleed heavily and pass clots then it slows down for a bit. On the other hand I HAVE to get out of this apartment. I am just miserable and bored. Maybe getting out will be good for me. I am sick of watching tv and being a couch potato. I never was very good at that.

I have to rejoin the living at some point. I have to go back to work on Monday. Maybe that is a good thing.


  1. It takes awhile for the HCG to leave your system. I read somewhere that it decreases like it increases and once it starts going down, it takes 2 days to cut itself in half. For some, HCG will even go UP for awhile after miscarriage. Even if you are miscarrying naturally, you'll still get positive HPTs for a long time until you are below 25 HCG. Anyway... just some info. I really am hoping this is you miscarrying naturally. With my ectopic, I didn't really pass many real clots before the methotrexate shots, it was just blood and lining (like a normal, but heavy period). Hope you get some good (well, good considering the situation) news next week.

  2. I did an HPT last week before my miscarriage bleeding started too. I too hoped to see a faint line or no line at all. And I got a super dark line - darkest ever. I felt the same as you about it. But I started cramping and bleeding more later the same day. The clots started the next day. It sucks huge. I'm sorry you have to go through this too. Since you already passed a clot almost the size of a grape, I think you will probably miscarry naturally. But I guess we shall see.