Thursday, May 6, 2010

I cannot take much more

***WARNING, This will be long and I will curse and use alot of CAPS and !! ***

Today has been a very bad day. I woke up with what I am sure is my period. Rob and I are both home all morning. He is still acting positive. I mention that I think I'm going to have a few glasses of wine tonight. He looks at me all alarmed and says that I cannot do anything crazy until the doctor calls. That is when I realized it. He has not been all that sad because he still had HOPE.

He's been googling bleeding and pregnancy and discovered some people can actually bleed in early pregnancy and be fine. Maybe, maybe not. Of course I had googled it as well, but I do NOT believe the people on the fucking Montel Williams show. I told him every detail of what is happening to me. Every single little detail. I am bleeding bright red blood and have been since this morning. There is really no hope. We talked and I told him all this and more.

He got so sad it was scary. I saw tears try to come. So I left the room so he could cry.
Then he just sat there. Sorta watching TV, sorta staring into space with a look on his face I have NEVER seen before.

I canNOT stand to see him like that. I HATE it. I never, fucking, EVER want to see that look on his face again. I canNOT stand that I am the one who put it there.

This happened around 2 pm. My doctor finally called around 3 pm. Turns out my HCG did actually double, but barely. It was 7hundred something. I didn't really care so didn't write it down. She said it was very low but it did double so - i cut her off here. I told her about the current bleeding. She said she had to see me again and I needed another blood test before she can medically confirm anything and she needs to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, which is my current biggest fear. THEN (yes it gets worse )

She told me that I am one of the 17% of the population that is RH negative. Great. I need another damn shot. AND she doesn't have this shot in her office. I have to go get it. She will call in the Rx to my pharmacy. I have to go get it and bring it with me tomorrow and she shoots me up. Fine. Not really that big of deal.

I would love to explain exactly what this to you but I honestly do not really understand it. Just that I have a blood type that can attack future babies. It was not the reason for my miscarriage.

I wait 1 hour then I call my pharmacy. They do not carry this shot ! They can order it but it will take 24-48 hours to get there. I need to take the shot at 9:00 am ! I cannot wait that long. I call the doctor back and she had effen LEFT for the day. It's only 4. It had only been an hour and her office is open until 7:00 pm on Thursdays. So my fucking doctor faxed over a presciption and went home. Never checked or even bothered to CALL the pharmacy. If I do not take this shot I will have problems with future pregnancy's. I want my shot !

Seriously, this pushed me over the edge. It is not something I was willing to deal with today. Enter another random crying fit. I called the receptionist. I must admit this women was more then nice and extremely helpful. I think I love her. She called 4 or 5 different pharmacy's to see who carried my medicine and then actually FOUND one & got another doctor in the practice to call it in for me.

I now have to go all the way across town before my 9:00 am appt to pick up my shot. This shot needs to be kept cold, so I can't walk the 30 blocks with it. Trying to get a cab in rush hour traffic in Manhattan ( much less the 2 I would need in the morning ) is IMPOSSIBLE. So I will have to take my car. Only there is no parking by the pharmacy or by my doctors office. So Rob will have to get up early and drive me both places. Normally not a big deal but he got a 3 day bar tending job. He may not be home till very late and I really wanted to let him sleep in. (especially after what I did to him today, crushing his dreams and all )

In the grand scheme of things not so much a big deal just an annoyance really. But OMFG did it set me off.

I do have one piece of good news. My doctor says she will be able to give me tomorrow mornings blood test results by the afternoon so I will know what is up before the weekend.

So a quick recap.

. I have a period when I should be happily pregnant.
. I made my husband so sad he cried
. My doctor sucks ( really when this ordeal is over I am considering switching )
. I have to get another blood draw and another shot because my blood will try to attack my next baby
. Rob is working and I am alone tonight
. My HCG doubled giving me a small amount of hope I didn't need
. My HCG doubled making me fear this is ectopic
. I have a period and cannot use a tampon
. I want to punch someone, but the only person I am actually mad at is myself. (Maybe my doctor )
. Emotionally and physically, I feel like shit
. My Dad keeps calling and making me cry. Not his fault, just his voice does it.

I can't apologize for this post. You were warned.


  1. Hi Christine,
    I was considering doing a blog post today on RH- blood and rhogam, after reading your blog post today, I decided I need to write the post for you and other women going through the same scary ordeal. So check it out!

  2. You and Rob are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. And I agree with your desire to switch doctors...this horrible process doesn't need to be made worse by a doctor that is desensitized and doesn't echo your thoughts & feelings.

  3. I am so sorry Christine. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.