I woke up to cramping and bleeding. The doctor will call me this morning with my HCG number. I am hoping it is going down appropriately and I can start TTC right away.
I haven't been able to talk on the phone yet. Every time I tried, I started to cry. I know it is ok to cry. I just dislike doing it on the phone. I am very lucky though. I have alot of support in real life. I told a few more people over email yesterday. 2 girls I work with. Turns out both of them had miscarriages with their first pregnancy. I had no idea. It gives me hope that both of these women went on to have healthy babies after their miscarriages.
I guess this is not a topic that ever comes up in normal, everyday conversation.
It is not my fault. I did NOTHING wrong. I know this. It is just so damn hard to actually believe. I can't help feeling like Rob gave me this amazing gift and I was unable to take care of it. I feel guilty and a bit ashamed. Logically, I am aware that these are misplaced feelings but I cannot help feeling them anyway.
I'll be ok. I know I am 'over-blogging' but it has really helped to get these feelings out.
"I can't help feeling like Rob gave me this amazing gift and I was unable to take care of it. I feel guilty and a bit ashamed. Logically, I am aware that these are misplaced feelings but I cannot help feeling them anyway."
ReplyDeleteLogic has nothing to do with it right now, dear. And it won't for awhile. It's been long enough that I'd actually be due to deliver right about now and part of my brain still pipes up that I obviously did *something* wrong that I *should* have corrected. That's the price of grief and I don't think it fully goes away.
You aren't over-blogging anything. Blog away. You need someplace to put your thoughts down and this is part of the grieving process. No apologies necessary.
I know I've already said this, but I'm so sorry you have to go through this. A m/c is the last thing I would ever wish on anyone and it sucks so much that it's a natural course of our fertility systems.
*hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*
I just wanted to ditto everything Emi said, but I couldn't say it any better. Just wanted to send a hug.
ReplyDeleteThank You. SO much. It really does mean alot.
ReplyDelete