It's over again

***detailed post***

I woke up Sunday morning to some dark brown spotting. It was worse then I had before but there was no blood and nothing red so I just decided to rest for the day. Around 6:30 pm I went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of blot. I thought I noticed a small blood clot. So Rob and I decided we should go to the ER. We were given an ultrasound that showed the baby "was not very big for 9 weeks" and there was no heartbeat.

I didn't cry. I was numb. I kinda knew this morning.

The ER experience wasn't too bad except for it being a teaching hospital. The doctor was an older man who was teaching a younger man on me. The poor kid was too timid with the ultrasound want and it took them forever to get an u/s view. They said I will definitely have a miscarriage. They gave me percocets and ambien and said to follow up with my doctor Monday.

Like I said, I haven't cried. I am not sure why. To be honest I did not enjoy this pregnancy at all. My first pregnancy in April I was so happy and enjoyed every second I was pregnant. This time I was guarded and never let myself get too excited. Maybe my reaction is just delayed a bit, I don't know.

I can't sleep. I took the ambien and slept from 11 pm to 3:15 am. I am in the guest room watching tv and typing this out and it's 10 to 4 in the morning. We just told some close friends over the weekend. We'll have to take it back now. am glad I didn't announce it to everyone or on Facebook and I think next time I will just go into hiding for 2 months and not tell a soul other then Rob.

Next time. If there is a next time. Another thing with my last miscarriage was I wanted to try again that day. This time not so much. I'll be 35 in October so I am aware that I can't wait much longer but I need some time before I can do this again. I got my BFP on July 3rd. So I knew I was pregnant for over a month and I was just fearful and anxious the whole time. Mostly due to the spotting. It's been rough and I think I need a bit more time to recover. I've been pregnant twice since April. I need to be not pregnant for awhile.

I have no pain, no cramping, this miscarriage hasn't started yet. I don't know when it will. I will call my doctor this morning to see what my next step is. I am supposed to go to Rob's family reunion in Cleavland from Thurs - Sunday. We'll see what happens today with the doctor but I am thinking of skipping it.

So it's over again. I haven't fully processed my feelings yet. I haven't even had the miscarriage yet. I just really can't believe this happened again. Once is a fluke, but twice... I just don't even know what to think or how to feel right now.

I hope I fall back to sleep soon