Anxiety

I am 19 weeks today and doing very well. Though I think I may be getting a bit of a head cold from the weather turning. I hope it passes quickly.

I wanted to talk a little about anxiety. I have always dealt with anxiety and I thought learned how to deal with it. I used to be on medication for it, but I went off it while TTC. I was off it for over a year before getting pregnant so I thought I had that problem solved. Then came the pregnancy and my miscarriage. I didn't expect it and wasn't worried about it until it happened. I was shocked, stunned, upset, embarrassed, and not in control of my emotions. It was a horrible experience. I was terrified to go through it again. I still am.

When I got pregnant this time I was elated. But that was short lived. The anxiety over losing this baby set in pretty quickly. At first I thought I would wait until the test lines got darker to get excited. Then it was waiting to see if my betas would double ( that was iffy, they did not quite double but were high enough). Then it was waiting to hear a heartbeat at 7 weeks. We did and all was great. For about 1 day. I started spotting and that anxiety hit and it was debilitating.

I felt panicky, sick to my stomach and exhausted. All pregnancy symptoms but so much more exaggerated now. And the worst part was that I had no medicine to take to relieve it. So I lay in bed alot. I went to the bathroom when I didn't even have to go to check the toilet paper. The spotting and anxiety continued until the 9th week and my horrible ER Experience and Recovery. I was miserable. I HATED the first trimester. I tried to be happy and into it but the anxiety was too overwhelming. I refused to buy anything for baby or to talk to names or look at nurseries. It was a combination of not wanting to get too attached and a superstitious fear of jinxing myself.

I think it was after I had the NT scan at 12 weeks and announced the pregnancy that I finally started to relax. A little more each day. I became less tired and no more morning sickness. I was hungry again and had some energy. I really did start to worry a little less each day about losing the baby.

Rob and I have started talking names. We bought baby some furniture and a new carpet. We have been going to stores and contemplating registry's. Talking to friends with baby's and learning as much as we can. We have moved on to excited! Rob started painting the soon to be nursery yesterday and will finish it today. I have become obsessed with baby bedding and nursery themes. It is becoming alot of fun and I really and truly am enjoying my pregnancy right now.

We also moved the TV from the guest room to ours and I have cleaned out 3 closets to make room for baby things we will soon acquire. I am wondering if I hit that nesting phase? We donated 5 Hefti bags to Goodwill and threw out 10 bags of junk all from those closets.

Anyway, I went off topic - lol. Sorry

The point is now that the anxiety of miscarriage has lessened, (It is always there in the back of our minds as anything can happen and we know it) the pregnancy has become much more exciting and enjoyable.

HOWEVER, now I have anxiety over Rob finding a good job! It's not as debilitating as the anxiety I just wrote about, but it still wakes me up at night. I'll save it for another post this week. I am going to be a mother and I will always be anxious over something.When Rob does get a job my mind will find something else to be anxious about. I'm learning to deal without medication and getting better at it.