Gender ultrasound!

Today was my anatomy scan. My baby is almost a full pound and everything is growing on track and measuring perfectly !!

We are having a baby BOY !!!!!!

I am beyond excited. I really wanted a boy. I was trying so hard not to admit that to anyone before we knew. I was trying so hard not to admit it to myself, but truth be told, I was hoping for boy. Sooo happy today :)

We haven't decided on a name yet. Boy names are harder for me. We bought a baby name book today and I have my sister on the case as well. Hopefully we will chose one soon.

Here are some ultrasound pics from today of OUR SON:

We also got a 4D shot. The tech said these shots freak some people out. I guess it does look a little sci-fi. But I think I can see his face perfectly and he is ADORABLE!!!!

Halfway there (and part 2 of anxiety post)

I am 20 weeks today! Halfway through this pregnancy. I am getting so excited :) :) I have my 20 week doc appt tomorrow and the big ultrasound on Friday. Please, please, let us find out the gender. I cannot wait to see the baby. It feels like forever since I had a peek. I have a very busy week so hopefully time will go by quickly.

OK. It's time to post part 2 of my anxiety post.

Now that I am no longer constantly anxious over losing the baby I have become constantly anxious over Rob's unemployment. I really thought he would have found something by now.

Here is the background:

On April 26th I found out I was pregnant. Two days later Rob lost his job. About a week after that I started spotting and then had the miscarriage. So the 2 have been intertwined in my mind as they happened so close together.

Rob worked for the same company for over 15 years. He was a specialist on the NYSE (New York Stock Exchange). His job was on the floor trading for his company. In February, Barclays Capital bought his company, (and pretty much bought him). Not much changed for awhile he didn't get laid off at first, he just suddenly worked for a different company. THEN in a bit of a confusing twist, Barclays sold his division and split it up and laid of 80% of the employees working there. So in the end Rob is out of a job.

See computers are basically taking over the work Rob did with logarithms. Basically he used to decide which to use and now computers generate how that works. So his entire field is disappearing. He can't just get the same job at a different company, or wait it out for another firm to hire his kind of talent. He has to do something different, hopefully related, but most likely he will have to learn something else. If he did end up getting a job in his old field we would probably be in this same position again in a year or so.

He was given a good severance package and we have a good savings. Also I have a decent job and our medical insurance is through my work. We won't be really hurting for some time, but my salary is not enough to support a family of 3 when the savings does run out. He did make more then me. Also, it SUCKS because all the plans we made are now either on hold or just not going to happen.

Plan 1 - Get pregnant, go house hunting, buy house and get out of city. This can't happen until he has an income.

I have selfish reasons as well. I would give anything to be a stay at home mom. Financially it won't work. We could have swung it for a few years but now it's not even close to being an option. And the selfish part is that Rob may not have a job when the baby is born and thru my maternity leave an after. If that is the case;

1) I won't even get to experience being alone with the baby for what I thought was a guaranteed 3 months of that.

2) He very well may GET to be a stay at home dad by default. I was prepared to be jealous of whoever got to watch my child while I was at work, but I wasn't prepared for it to be Rob! I don't know if I can emotionally handle him getting to stay home with the baby while I have to go to work every day. I'm scared I will start resenting him. I get jealous now at his stay at home husband status, even though I know he hates it.

3) I don't know what to do about daycare or nanny research. Why bother if he won't have a job. Then again what am I going to do if he gets a job and we have nothing set up! See how everything is so up in the air.

4) Living in NYC is expensive. I fear that when the baby is born just living in this city will eat up our savings quickly and by the time he does get work we will have to start our savings all over and we won't be able to buy a house. However, we can't get a house loan now because we don't know our future income. Catch 22.

I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about these things. It helped to get it out here. Rob knows and understands how I feel. He is trying so damn hard to find work but nothing is panning out. He hasn't even had an interview yet. It's been 6 months. He does everything around the apartment to make up for his lack of work. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, shopping, everything! He is cleaning out the apartment and painting the nursery. We are almost out of things he can do around here.

What really kills me is that I can't help him. I don't know how. I've put him in touch with anyone I can think of who might be able to help him, but other then that I can't do anything. That is what makes the anxiety so bad. Having no control.

When Rob and I decided to try again after our loss I honestly just assumed he would have a job by the time I got pregnant again and reached the halfway point.

I am complaining now and voicing my fears here, but to Rob I do my best not to bring it up. I don't want him to feel worse then he already does. But I worry that he will never find a job. We have even talked about him going back to school and starting over, but he has no idea what he would even go for.

It's a shitty situation and a crappy economy.

This was longer then I intended. Oh well, I got it out and needed that.

Anxiety

I am 19 weeks today and doing very well. Though I think I may be getting a bit of a head cold from the weather turning. I hope it passes quickly.

I wanted to talk a little about anxiety. I have always dealt with anxiety and I thought learned how to deal with it. I used to be on medication for it, but I went off it while TTC. I was off it for over a year before getting pregnant so I thought I had that problem solved. Then came the pregnancy and my miscarriage. I didn't expect it and wasn't worried about it until it happened. I was shocked, stunned, upset, embarrassed, and not in control of my emotions. It was a horrible experience. I was terrified to go through it again. I still am.

When I got pregnant this time I was elated. But that was short lived. The anxiety over losing this baby set in pretty quickly. At first I thought I would wait until the test lines got darker to get excited. Then it was waiting to see if my betas would double ( that was iffy, they did not quite double but were high enough). Then it was waiting to hear a heartbeat at 7 weeks. We did and all was great. For about 1 day. I started spotting and that anxiety hit and it was debilitating.

I felt panicky, sick to my stomach and exhausted. All pregnancy symptoms but so much more exaggerated now. And the worst part was that I had no medicine to take to relieve it. So I lay in bed alot. I went to the bathroom when I didn't even have to go to check the toilet paper. The spotting and anxiety continued until the 9th week and my horrible ER Experience and Recovery. I was miserable. I HATED the first trimester. I tried to be happy and into it but the anxiety was too overwhelming. I refused to buy anything for baby or to talk to names or look at nurseries. It was a combination of not wanting to get too attached and a superstitious fear of jinxing myself.

I think it was after I had the NT scan at 12 weeks and announced the pregnancy that I finally started to relax. A little more each day. I became less tired and no more morning sickness. I was hungry again and had some energy. I really did start to worry a little less each day about losing the baby.

Rob and I have started talking names. We bought baby some furniture and a new carpet. We have been going to stores and contemplating registry's. Talking to friends with baby's and learning as much as we can. We have moved on to excited! Rob started painting the soon to be nursery yesterday and will finish it today. I have become obsessed with baby bedding and nursery themes. It is becoming alot of fun and I really and truly am enjoying my pregnancy right now.

We also moved the TV from the guest room to ours and I have cleaned out 3 closets to make room for baby things we will soon acquire. I am wondering if I hit that nesting phase? We donated 5 Hefti bags to Goodwill and threw out 10 bags of junk all from those closets.

Anyway, I went off topic - lol. Sorry

The point is now that the anxiety of miscarriage has lessened, (It is always there in the back of our minds as anything can happen and we know it) the pregnancy has become much more exciting and enjoyable.

HOWEVER, now I have anxiety over Rob finding a good job! It's not as debilitating as the anxiety I just wrote about, but it still wakes me up at night. I'll save it for another post this week. I am going to be a mother and I will always be anxious over something.When Rob does get a job my mind will find something else to be anxious about. I'm learning to deal without medication and getting better at it.

18 week update

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow! I'm getting close to that halfway mark. Time is moving so fast and so slow at once.

Symptom check:

~ Lots and lots of pimples. Everytime they go away I can feel new ones coming in.

~ Round ligament pain. Sharp and shooting pains in my lower abdomen ( both sides) that last a few seconds but seem to be happening alot more often lately.

~ Stuffy nose. It gets pretty bad in the evenings. I have a humidifier and some saline nasal spray but I would really love a decongestant. I'm going to ask about this at my next doctors appointment.

~ Toss and Turn. Since I am still getting up about 4 times a night to pee I do alot of tossing and turning.

~ Movement. Still nothing major. I have THOUGHT I felt movement a few times but I can't be positive it wasn't gas bubbles. I cannot wait to feel a kick!

I feel very lucky in this pregnancy. Those symptoms are nothing and I make it throughout the day feeling fine, if not great. I do get tired early but that's fine as long as I have no problems working and getting things done during the day.

In less then one week on October 15th I turn 35. EEEKKKKK. AAAAAHHHH. I do not want to!

It is going to happen though. Such a scary number.

Rob is going to cook us a nice dinner and I intend to have a glass of wine. I know many won't agree with this decision but I don't see anything wrong with a glass of wine once in awhile. I have not had any alcohol at all yet and do not plan on making it a habit but would like to enjoy a glass on my birthday.

Strange moods

It was such a depressing week. It rained everyday and just lasted too long. Oh well, it's over and today should be a beautiful day. We plan on walking around the city and seeing a movie. The Town.

Physically I feel fine. Emotionally I am going through something. I just feel cranky and I want to be alone alot. I'm not super emotional, crying at everything, like I think a pregnant women should be. Rather I am getting mad, angry, or annoyed at the stupidest things. It passes but is pretty intense while happening.

One example. I got mad at Rob last night. Twice. For no real reason! We were sitting on the couch and I was watching a show I like that he kind of tolerates. The Mentalist. He was playing a game on his laptop and I started to get mad that he had all day to play silly computer games and the least he could do was watch a tv show with me.

Ridiculous of me! He was right there next to me. I was watching MY show. See how stupid.

Then an hour later I got mad at him for taking to long to compose a text message and the click, click, clicking was annoying me. So I said I was tired and went into the guest room to be alone.

I had a good nights sleep and feel better now. I'm glad I didn't actually yell at him or say something I KNEW I would regret last night. These pregnancy hormones are strange.