Friday, May 28, 2010

Good Mood

I woke up in a good mood this morning. This hasn't happened in awhile and I am going with it. It's probably because today is Friday and it's a 3 day weekend and I slept well.

Hmm. Who cares why. I am just going to enjoy it :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend.


And my office just announced we are closing at 1:00 !!!
So my day actually got better.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Drinking and Temps

You aren't really supposed to drink while charting your basal body temperature. It is said that even a few drinks at night will result in a higher temperature then you would have had if you didn't drink. I agree for the most part. In the past I always did have a higher then expected temp after drinking. Not today though.

We had a small dinner party last night and all of us consumed way too much wine. I am struggling a bit today and waking up and going to work was no fun. I didn't have just one or two glasses of wine. I had ALOT. I am not even sure how much.

I woke up this morning to a temperature of 97.5. One of the lowest temps I have had this month. I really expected 98 or above. I'm taking this as further proof that my body is seriously out of whack this cycle.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Officially Over

My HCG from Monday came back at zero. This ordeal is finally, officially, over. I really hope I never have to go through that again. I wouldn't wish this experience on anybody.

My temps are all over the place. Up, down, up, down. I'm not wasting OPK's so I don't know what's going on this cycle. *Sigh* I knew it would be a funky cycle and it doesn't really matter anyway.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

2 Newborns 1 Weekend

Baby Number 1, Harrison:

On Saturday Rob and I went to visit friends whose baby boy was born two weeks ago. Harrison is a preemie. He currently weighs just under 6 pounds and is the tiniest baby I ever ever held. I love him already. I held him for exactly 43 minutes before I would give anyone else a turn. I did not want to give him back. I did eventually but it wasn't easy.

When I was holding him everyone else was eating lunch and my head was just spinning. I realized that I am so focused on getting and staying pregnant that I never actually let myself think of what it would be like to actually have a baby. I guess my superstitious brain would never go that far until it was time. I never got to that time. Not yet anyway.

As I was holding Harrison I couldn't control it. My brain went there. I imagined my own tiny baby and being on our own couch in our own apartment holding him or her. I imagined feedings and changings and baths. I even imagined how it would feel to let other people hold my baby. I let my mind go there for the first time and it was a great feeling. I cannot wait for those imagined feelings to become a reality.

Sadly, the experience has not helped my patience level during this TTC process. We have decided to wait until my next period to try and we are sticking to that decision. It isn't too long of a wait and I was ok with it before Saturday. Now the wait is killing me.

Baby Number 2, Zoey:

Sunday was my cousins college graduation dinner. My uncle is 60 and his wife is about 40. ( No one knows her real age and she won't tell so this is just a good guess ). Anyway after 4 years of trying they now have Zoey. She was born around Easter. Full term and perfectly healthy.

I didn't get to spend much time with her. No one did. The mother hid in a corner with her until the actual dinner. At dinner the mother sat in a corner with Zoey in a car seat next to her. Zoey was never taken out of the car seat and either slept or used a pacifier or had a bottle. So no real feelings emerged out of meeting her. Really, all anyone was allowed to do was wave at her.

Not one person, including her parents, held that baby for over 4 hours. My 7 year old cousin asked and was told a very loud, "NO WAY". I get it. Public place/newborn they were just being protective. I still think it's weird. My uncle barely looked at his daughter and his wife basically hid her in a corner all night. I don't know, I don't mean to sound critical but it just felt off somehow.
The Difference:

It was so different from our friends I mentioned earlier, who have a steady stream of people coming over and are laid back and pretty much throw the baby into the arms of anyone that calls him cute. They are so proud and love that everyone loves him. My uncle and his wife were the exact opposite. It's like couple 1 wants to share with the world and couple 2 want to hide from the world.

Couple 1 are much younger and conceived the first month of trying. Couple 2 tried for 4 years to have Zoey. Maybe that plays into it.

I wonder which way Rob and I will go ? Overprotective or laid back. I hope it's laid back but I haven't been there yet so I can't know.

I'm done babbling.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Blown Away !

Did you see the season finale of Grey's Anatomy ?


Frak !!!!!

I did not see that coming. I won't go into detail in case, like me, you DVR'd it.
I am not sure if LOST will be able to top that.

This post will contain TMI

***Warning TMI ahead ***

If talk of blood and cervical mucus skeeves you out, well then, you should not be reading my blog at all :p

I know this cycle will be different then any other cycle I've had due to the miscarriage. I can't help but hope a little anyway. 2 days ago I had ZERO spotting. I was happy thinking it had finally stopped. Then yesterday I had EWCM. However, it was brown. I was bummed out all over again. I just assumed it was more spotting. Today I had an overflow of regular EWCM. I have never had this much. All day.

On a normal cycle I would ovulate between CD 14 and CD 18. So I am right about there. I always have a few days of EWCM, then I ovulate, then it dries up. My LP is normally about 14 days. So I really want to hope that I will ovulate soon and get a period in a little over 2 weeks.

Realistically I know that this is highly unlikely. My temps are of no help, (they are all over and too high), and since my beta is not actually below zero I cannot rely on an OPK test. I am hoping based on one little fertility sign.

So I am going to pretend that I have extra fertile cervical mucus and could possibly ovulate any day now. And I was worried I would have nothing to obsess over this cycle. I always find something ;)

I am going in for what will hopefully be my final blood test after work on Monday.
I have not pee'd on any sticks in over a week.
Even if I do not ovulate this week I can still obsess over what promises to be a challenging chart.

I am going to meet a friends newborn tomorrow and am looking forward to it.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


My HCG number from Monday was down to 11. My doctor said I definitely will NOT need surgery. I am so relieved. I have to go back in a week for one more 'just to be safe' blood test. I don't mind.

Rob and I decided it's best to listen to the doctor and wait out a cycle. This was a hard decision. I really wanted to start right away but I know I would never forgive myself if it were to happen and I had no idea how far along I was, confused the doctors or, god forbid, miscarried again. So I will give my body a month to heal. I really hope it happens soon after we start trying again. I really enjoyed being pregnant. It was so short lived, but I was so happy for that short amount of time.

I am still charting my temps. They are still really high. A bit too high. Oh well I guess things change right after a miscarriage. Yes, I said AFTER. I had some spotting yesterday and the day before but today I have nothing. I think it is finally over. I won't use OPK's this month unless I really need to feed my POAS addiction.

I wonder if people think it's morbid that I am charting this miscarriage as if it were a normal period ? I just want to know if I ovulate and that my body is getting back on track. Maybe I will take my chart off my signature on TMP until next cycle. Yeah, I think that is best.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

UNhealthy Week

That is what I am officially declaring this past week as. I was lazy and didn't do anything healthy. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Rob bartended alot and I just ordered food instead of cooking. I didn't exercise or even go for walks. I spents too much time on the couch or in bed. Beer was involved. I didn't care.

What's done is done and this week I plan on getting back into the TTC healthy lifestyle. I'm not going on a serious diet but back to cooking and bringing my own lunch to work (including healthy snacks ), and getting this body to move. I have a business dinner tomorrow but after that I am going to start back on the treadmill at the gym or my elliptical machine here. I plan on walking to and from the restaurant tomorrow night. Every day I have to do something physical. Even if it is just going for a walk. And no more fast food or take out. I also need to take vitamins and drink more water.

I can do this. If I feel better physically I will feel better all around. However, there are 3 hours of Survivor to be watched tonight.

I have my blood draw tomorrow morning. Please keep your fingers crossed that my numbers have gone done significantly and I will not need a D & C. I should have the answer either by Monday afternoon or Tuesday. I am not sure if they bother with rushing this test.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

An End In Sight

I took another one of those cheap internet hpt's just now. There is an extremely faint line on it. To the untrained eye it would appear to be a negative test. Unfortunately, my eye is well trained. I remember when I first joined TMP and people would post pictures of these tests. I never saw the faint line everyone else seemed to. I do now.

Anyway this is good news. I'm going to take it to mean that my HCG is finally falling. Hopefully by Monday it will be zero, or close enough to it. I really need this to be over. It's time to move on and I haven't really been able to.

I am going to have a beer now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sunday's Baby Shower

I'm just not going.

I have actually been debating whether or not to go to this baby shower for a few days. The girl was my best friend through high school and college and was my roommate for 2 years here in the city. She moved out to Long Island and we didn't exactly lose touch but kind of grew apart. This is her first pregnancy. I RSVP'd yes to her shower before I even knew I was pregnant. It was one of the things I was actually looking forward to when I was pregnant.
Now. Not so much.

I had to get this shower out of my head so I sucked it up an emailed her today. I decided to just stick with the truth. We have always had an honest relationship. I did email her husband first to make she she knew about her shower. She did.

She was great about it. She understood and even offered to come over anytime and listed a bunch of days she was free. I am not really in the mood to bring down the pregnant women so I declined. The offer was more then nice though and I don't have to go to her shower or even feel guilty for not going.

I do have the gifts I bought her in my office. I ordered them online already wrapped. Maybe next weekend I will take a ride out there and drop them off to her. I can handle the one on one, just not the baby shower.

I am feeling much better today. My cold is still here but the cramps have finally stopped and no clots since yesterday. **knocks on alot of wood** I am back at work and very glad for the distraction.

Monday, May 10, 2010

HCG Number is creeping down

It was about 500 today. I was hoping for lower but at least is is going down. My doctor needs to monitor me until it goes down to zero. She thinks it will on it's own but said sometimes not everything flushes out and a D & C may still be needed. I told her about the non-stop bleeding and clotting and she seems to think that this will happen naturally. I hope so. I don't have another blood draw until next Monday. I really hope the bruises on my arm heal by then. I look terrible.

I am not as relieved as I thought I would be with this news. I guess because I still have to wait a week to know anything for sure and also because the confirmation of a pregnancy ending this way is just not good news.

I have to wait until my next period starts to start TTC again. Not what I wanted to hear but I know it could have been worse.

I also now have further proof my body hates me. I have a cold. A pretty bad one. I can't breathe because of the congestion. My throat hurts. I have a constant head-ache. I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally. The bleeding has slowed down again and the cramps are a bit better, but still there.

I know I have been whining alot lately. All these posts have been major downers. I am hoping to get my positive attitude and my energy back soon. Maybe next week. I did make it through work today, so my life is starting to regain some sense of normalcy.

I had no idea that a miscarriage could take so long.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Why do I torture myself

I took one of those cheap internet hpt's this morning. I know that they are not supposed to be used as a way to monitor HCG levels but I thought I would try anyway. Of course it was a blaring positive. The strongest lines I have ever seen on that test. I had a feeling it would be as my HCG number was over 800 yesterday. I was just really hoping for a faint line or none at all.
How messed up is that. Last week I was praying for that kind of positive test and now I am wishing for the exact opposite.

TMI alert:

I had some bad cramping and bleeding all day yesterday. This morning I don't have cramps but I am passing some clots. I am not however soaking through pads. Today I had a clot almost the size of a grape. I still have a small amount of hope that I will miscarry naturally. But after seeing this mornings test and doing a bit more research on ectopic pregnancy's I am losing hope fast.

The waiting game continues.

I am supposed to go to a Mets game with Rob, my sister, and her bf tomorrow. I'm not sure if I am going to go. I am afraid to stray too far from my own bathroom. I keep switching between no cramps and bad cramps. I bleed heavily and pass clots then it slows down for a bit. On the other hand I HAVE to get out of this apartment. I am just miserable and bored. Maybe getting out will be good for me. I am sick of watching tv and being a couch potato. I never was very good at that.

I have to rejoin the living at some point. I have to go back to work on Monday. Maybe that is a good thing.

Friday, May 7, 2010

A Never Ending Saga

My doctor just called me back. My HCG number is still rising. Much too slowly to be a viable pregnancy but it is still to early for her to be able to do anything.I got the actual numbers from her. My number on Monday was 356. Two days later it was 599. Today, another 2 days later, it is 812.

This is very bad news and not what I wanted to hear. There is nothing she can do for me right now. The number is not high enough to see anything on a sonogram. It needs to be at about 1200 for that. So I have not actually miscarried yet. I have to wait this out. I go back in Monday morning for another blood test. A few things could happen. If my number has risen to above 1200 a sonogram will be done later in the week. It will tell me if this is ectopic or not.

There is still a chance I will miscarry on my own over the next few days. I'm losing hope for this. I do not know if I will be given medical treatment to terminate this pregnancy or not yet. I am really hoping to avoid surgery but whatever happens I will have to deal with. It sucks big time to know I am technically still pregnant and the pregnancy has no chance. I cannot do anything but sit around and wait.

I just want this to be over and done with and it just will not end. I have had horrible cramps all day but the bleeding has slowed down. I want answers and no one can give them to me. This is a nightmare that just will not end.

RH Negative Factor

I want to thank Amanda for shedding some light on this topic for me. It is a very confusing one.

If you would like to know more about RH negative blood and the Rhogam shot, she explains it well. Much better then I ever could. I'll put the link to her blog here

Again. Thank You Amamda !

Today is really not much better for me so far. I woke up around 6:00 am to severe cramping and bleeding. I am still cramping pretty hard and am lying in bed with a heating pad. I went to the doctor for my shot and another blood test. She is rushing the blood work for me so I should know the results by 3:00 today. I am thinking I am miscarrying naturally so that is good news at this point.

A friend is coming over to keep me company tonight. Rob is bar tending again. I am glad I won't be alone. She has been very supportive to me throughout this ordeal. She had a miscarriage at 14 weeks the first time she got pregnant. She really has been a great help to me.

I am not exactly feeling all that lucky right now but I do know that it could have been much worse.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I cannot take much more

***WARNING, This will be long and I will curse and use alot of CAPS and !! ***

Today has been a very bad day. I woke up with what I am sure is my period. Rob and I are both home all morning. He is still acting positive. I mention that I think I'm going to have a few glasses of wine tonight. He looks at me all alarmed and says that I cannot do anything crazy until the doctor calls. That is when I realized it. He has not been all that sad because he still had HOPE.

He's been googling bleeding and pregnancy and discovered some people can actually bleed in early pregnancy and be fine. Maybe, maybe not. Of course I had googled it as well, but I do NOT believe the people on the fucking Montel Williams show. I told him every detail of what is happening to me. Every single little detail. I am bleeding bright red blood and have been since this morning. There is really no hope. We talked and I told him all this and more.

He got so sad it was scary. I saw tears try to come. So I left the room so he could cry.
Then he just sat there. Sorta watching TV, sorta staring into space with a look on his face I have NEVER seen before.

I canNOT stand to see him like that. I HATE it. I never, fucking, EVER want to see that look on his face again. I canNOT stand that I am the one who put it there.

This happened around 2 pm. My doctor finally called around 3 pm. Turns out my HCG did actually double, but barely. It was 7hundred something. I didn't really care so didn't write it down. She said it was very low but it did double so - i cut her off here. I told her about the current bleeding. She said she had to see me again and I needed another blood test before she can medically confirm anything and she needs to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, which is my current biggest fear. THEN (yes it gets worse )

She told me that I am one of the 17% of the population that is RH negative. Great. I need another damn shot. AND she doesn't have this shot in her office. I have to go get it. She will call in the Rx to my pharmacy. I have to go get it and bring it with me tomorrow and she shoots me up. Fine. Not really that big of deal.

I would love to explain exactly what this to you but I honestly do not really understand it. Just that I have a blood type that can attack future babies. It was not the reason for my miscarriage.

I wait 1 hour then I call my pharmacy. They do not carry this shot ! They can order it but it will take 24-48 hours to get there. I need to take the shot at 9:00 am ! I cannot wait that long. I call the doctor back and she had effen LEFT for the day. It's only 4. It had only been an hour and her office is open until 7:00 pm on Thursdays. So my fucking doctor faxed over a presciption and went home. Never checked or even bothered to CALL the pharmacy. If I do not take this shot I will have problems with future pregnancy's. I want my shot !

Seriously, this pushed me over the edge. It is not something I was willing to deal with today. Enter another random crying fit. I called the receptionist. I must admit this women was more then nice and extremely helpful. I think I love her. She called 4 or 5 different pharmacy's to see who carried my medicine and then actually FOUND one & got another doctor in the practice to call it in for me.

I now have to go all the way across town before my 9:00 am appt to pick up my shot. This shot needs to be kept cold, so I can't walk the 30 blocks with it. Trying to get a cab in rush hour traffic in Manhattan ( much less the 2 I would need in the morning ) is IMPOSSIBLE. So I will have to take my car. Only there is no parking by the pharmacy or by my doctors office. So Rob will have to get up early and drive me both places. Normally not a big deal but he got a 3 day bar tending job. He may not be home till very late and I really wanted to let him sleep in. (especially after what I did to him today, crushing his dreams and all )

In the grand scheme of things not so much a big deal just an annoyance really. But OMFG did it set me off.

I do have one piece of good news. My doctor says she will be able to give me tomorrow mornings blood test results by the afternoon so I will know what is up before the weekend.

So a quick recap.

. I have a period when I should be happily pregnant.
. I made my husband so sad he cried
. My doctor sucks ( really when this ordeal is over I am considering switching )
. I have to get another blood draw and another shot because my blood will try to attack my next baby
. Rob is working and I am alone tonight
. My HCG doubled giving me a small amount of hope I didn't need
. My HCG doubled making me fear this is ectopic
. I have a period and cannot use a tampon
. I want to punch someone, but the only person I am actually mad at is myself. (Maybe my doctor )
. Emotionally and physically, I feel like shit
. My Dad keeps calling and making me cry. Not his fault, just his voice does it.

I can't apologize for this post. You were warned.

It has started

I woke up to cramping and bleeding. The doctor will call me this morning with my HCG number. I am hoping it is going down appropriately and I can start TTC right away.

I haven't been able to talk on the phone yet. Every time I tried, I started to cry. I know it is ok to cry. I just dislike doing it on the phone. I am very lucky though. I have alot of support in real life. I told a few more people over email yesterday. 2 girls I work with. Turns out both of them had miscarriages with their first pregnancy. I had no idea. It gives me hope that both of these women went on to have healthy babies after their miscarriages.

I guess this is not a topic that ever comes up in normal, everyday conversation.

It is not my fault. I did NOTHING wrong. I know this. It is just so damn hard to actually believe. I can't help feeling like Rob gave me this amazing gift and I was unable to take care of it. I feel guilty and a bit ashamed. Logically, I am aware that these are misplaced feelings but I cannot help feeling them anyway.

I'll be ok. I know I am 'over-blogging' but it has really helped to get these feelings out.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waiting on HCG Number

I am home from the doctor. She did another pelvic and took more blood from me. She saw blood during the pelvic. However, she cannot medically confirm a miscarriage until today's HCG number comes back. I am not holding out much hope. Actually I have no hope. Zero. I am still spotting. I am honestly just really hoping for a natural miscarriage so I can get right back into the TTC game.

I've cried so much. Another crying fit just happened when my Dad called. My mom had 2 miscarriages so he was very understanding. I mention this because I am NOT a crier. I just don't do it. I cannot even remember the last time I cried. I think I got upset once when I was sick. Maybe, IDK. But it seems like I have no control over my emotions right now.

Kelly and Emi ( and Susan if you read this blog )~ Thank you so much for all your support. It means so much. I cried when I read your comments. Again, not a normal thing for me. Those pregnancy hormones must still be in me. I know all 3 of you have been thru this and it helps to hear from you guys

Turns out my HCG number from Monday was only 356. That is low, but still falls into normal for the 5th week. It just seems like so many things never went right with this pregnancy. My tests taking so long to get darker had me worried. Turns out for good reason. There was also spotting the week my period was due that had me concerned. My TTC chart sucked as well.

So I was pregnant for a week. It was fun while it lasted. The entire 4 or 5 days I believed it anyway. I WILL get pregnant again. At least now I know it is possible. And it WILL stick next time. I just needed to get this out of the way for some reason. The Universe knows and I do believe everything happens for a reason.

It's over

I has some strange spotting last night. Tinted CM really. I tried so hard to convince myself it was from Monday's pelvic exam, but I knew. I started crying last night and I haven't stopped. I cannot even talk to anyone. When I try to talk I cry. I had to take the day off.

This morning I woke up and I was fine. Then after a BM I had some light bleeding. Like the kind you get a few hours before you get your period. It was a reddish brown color. There was definitely red in there. I know a miscarriage has begun.

Rob and I are more then devastated. I can tell he is trying to be strong for me, but I know this is hitting him hard as well.

I have a fear it may be ectopic. I think this because my hpts took a long time to get dark, making me think my levels were rising too slowly. Also, I have been having a sharp pelvic pains, which I think is a sign of ectopic.

At this point I am just really hoping to have a normal, natural miscarriage. I don't want drugs or surgery. I want to start trying again right away. I have to call the doctor soon and see what I should do next. No cramping and no heavy bleeding. I am not sure there is anything she can actually tell me at this point. I am only 6 weeks along. (according to her, if you go by my ovulation day I am only 5 weeks and 4 days )

I really don't want anyone to tell me it is spotting and there is still a chance. It is over and I know it.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

1st Doctors Appt

It was yesterday. I really didn't know what to expect. It wasn't bad, but not very informative either. I went in and she did a pelvic, a breast exam, took a swab for STD's, took my blood, and gave me a flu shot. ( H1N1 shot ). She said she will call me today with the results of my blood test.

I am scheduled for a sonogram a week from Thursday. I want that to come quickly and I want to put it off at the same time. I will be 6 1/2 weeks at that time and I think that might be too early to see a heartbeat, but she seems to think we will. If I see a heartbeat I will be able to relax alot more. I have finally stopped POAS. I am enjoying this and I even told my Dad and my sister. But if I see a heartbeat I will be ecstatic !!

My mood has been great ever since I found out. Obviously some anxiety, but generally I have been in a really good mood. Not very queasy yet, and I'm not too tired yet either. My breasts are still killing me to varying degrees and I get the random pinching/pulling on one side of my lower abdomen. My allergies are still bad and my skin is breaking out. I kinda wish I had some morning sickness, just to make this a bit more real.

My doctor will call me today with my blood test results. Please, Please, Please let it be good news

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Still Excited

I am still over excited. I'm not sleeping well because of it. I wake up alot during the night. And seeping past 7:00 am. I'm pretty sure those days are over for me. I don't mind.

My FRER are now BLAZING ! ! I'm afraid to take one of those IC's though. I have 4 left but haven't had amazing lines on them yet. I haven't taken one in 3 days and I'm thinking about waiting a week to see. I'm very comfortable with the FRER tho. The lines got darker slowly and are now as dark as it can get. Again I am so excited. I really must stop peeing on sticks.

I told my friend Kathleen and my sister. Other then Rob they are the only 2 that know. I go to the doctor tomorrow and will probably start telling people if all goes well.

I have a wedding to go to today. It's one of my co-workers. My father will also be there. We are actually sharing a car with my Dad and his wife. The wedding is in New Jersey and no one wanted to drive. I tire out quickly and today will be a very long day. I hope all goes well. I think we are going to tell my Dad today.

Since I won't be drinking and I don't have the driving excuse I'm thinking a few close co-workers may figure it out. I'm debating whether or not to pretend to drink or lie and say I'm not drinking for a reason. I'll have to come up with one quickly.

I think it might be easier to drink seltza with a lemon or lime and if anyone bothers asking just tell them it's a vodka tonic. I normally drink wine, but hey, maybe no one will notice.

My Dad definitely will. Also, I need to ask him a few family history questions before my doctors appt. So yes, we will tell him today. I better do it soon because my sister cannot keep a secret for long.

Everyone have a great Sunday !